Today the world of beer has become fragmented. Where once in New Zealand it was ‘lager’, ‘draught’ or if you were very lucky, ‘dark’. But now we have any sort of beer you can imagine (and several you can’t). But how does your beer choice reflect on you?
The internet is full of silly great advice for American beer drinkers, but what about the humble Kiwi? What do our beer choices say about us? Well, fret no more. Here’s the definitive list:
Lager/Pilsner
You are most likely right-handed. Also you like lager.
Fig. 1: A Lager Source.
Pale Ale
Your height is probably between 132-192 centimetres tall. You like hoppy, pale beers.
Fig. 2: A Pale Ale Source.
Wheat Beer
Bad news: you probably have herpes, most likely without knowing it. And you like wheat beers.
Mild/Bitter/ESB
Good news: you are probably immune to leprosy. You’re also a fan of traditional English ales.
Fig. 3: An ESB Source.
Stout/Porter
If you’re European, there’s a statistical certainty you’re a descendant of Charlemagne. And you like dark beer.
IPA
If you’re male, there is a ~1/200 chance you’re a direct descendant from Genghis Khan. If you’re a Chinese male, that figure goes up to ~1/12. You’re also an IPA enthusiast.
Fig. 4: An IPA Source.
Black IPA
Sour/Wild Beer
Your liver is worth ~$157,000 (US) on the black market. Of course, drinking too much of that sour beer you love may decrease that value. The good news is, it should increase its value as foie gras.
Fig. 5: A Sour Beer Source.
Barleywine
You’re hopefully too smart to fall into lazy stereotyping of beer drinkers according to style, glass preference, gender, class, race, ethnicity or any other silly, arbitrary, irrelevant factor.
And you like Barleywine.
Fig. 6: Several Barleywines Source.
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Scott was right – it’s just not clickbait without a cat gif.
The Bottleneck 
Your beer choice says a lot about the type of person you are. For example, if you like to drink a fine bottle of Cantillon beer then that would mean that you are a much-refined type of person.